Last night was so very conflicting…
It was supposed to be just like every other time you come around, instead it made me feel things that I haven’t in a long time.
You kissed me and touched me like you haven’t in years, with real feeling. I’ve finally accepted what we had was gone and I’m okay with what there is now, which isn’t a lot; and then you go and touch me like that and the memories I had under wraps all come flooding back.
And then you fall asleep next to me, despite telling me you didn’t want to stay, then wake up in the morning and hold me again…
I had finally stopped hoping that deep down you still love me and now I’m having to use all my strength to repress those feelings again, but the stupid spark of hope is there twinkling and I can’t yet work out how to snuff it out, but damn it I’m going to try. If only to preserve my own sanity, especially when I only recently got it back.
Sometimes I miss you so much that I feel like it’s going to consume me. Like drowning in a raging ocean storm, there is no quiet, peaceful end. It’s painful and utterly devastating until the very last second.
All the other times its a constant ache in my chest where you belong, which isn’t much better.
I remember everything.
The wrinkles on the bottom of your feet,
The shape of your ankles,
The curve of your calves to your knees.
I remember the feel of your thighs and
Your ass, god your ass does things to me.
I remember the dip of your lower back and
the start of the hair on your stomach.
The line of your spine and
the shapes and patterns that the hair forms on your shoulder blades.
I remember running my fingers through your chest hair and up over your collarbone and shoulders.
All the scars and marks on your back, neck and arms, even the ones behind your ears.
I remember your hairline and the colours of your skin, the tan lines and sometimes burn marks.
I remember kissing your chin and the stubble against my lips.
Your cheeks and mouth when you smile, and
The softness of your lips.
Last but not least, I remember the precise colour of your eyes and getting lost in their depths.
All this time has passed but I still remember the exquisitely marked map that is your whole body.
All this time and I remember everything.